–which feels to me like the most perfect linguistic train wreck ever, a combination of being vividly expressive, deeply creepy, and yet laser-precise in its meaning.

According to Techopedia, fondleslab (or fondle-slab) is "a highly idiomatic slang term for a device that holds a powerful attraction for a user or set of users." The Dictionary of Intellectual Property Law explains that it's a "touchscreen device, particularly a tablet computer, to which its owner appears unnaturally attached."